For the first time the cashier gestured and said “just tap it” I had no idea what she was talking about. I held my card like a caveman coaxing fire from two sticks. I never claimed to live life outside of the box and might I add this was literally the definition of box telling me to step out of my comfort zone.
“This doesn’t make sense…” what in the hell is this lady talking about?
She continued chanting like some pseudo-witch by enthusiastically nodding her head and said, “yes” while gesturing to the machine. My heart sank realizing this was not going to be the end of her litany.
“Contact-less,” I mouthed
Trust contact-less to make us still have to insert the damn card, input our PIN for some reason and awkwardly pat down our pockets for change we likely didn’t have. Technology 2k21 am I right?!? Hell it’s another opportunity for public embarrassment.
Contact-less drama was happening right before my eyes on a bustling Tuesday afternoon as I queued up at my local high-end coffee spot (if I buy one more cup of coffee here, the owner is going to buy a vacation home with my money). The gentleman in front of me was getting ready to pay, he yanked his wallet out in one swift fluid motion. I’m sure he had done this many times before just as me so I recognized the next set of actions were pure theatrics.
He grabbed his card and hovered it above the reader. Nothing. So he tapped it again, harder this time.
Big whoop, absolutely did not work. The barista, who I’m sure has seen countless people like myself over 100 times a day exhaled softly and suggested he insert the card instead. Rolling his eyes so hard I swear he could see Jesus, he responded no no no.
It’s contact-less dear, it will work. “It’s diliberate stupidity,” I muttered under my breath and within two seconds realized he too was embracing his stupidity refusing to insert his card like his whole livelihood depended on gently tapping his card against a pesky machine wearing a suit jacket as if he just stepped out of a Jay-Z music video probably so he could invest other people’s funds. *
*broke immigrant trying to relate
He forcefully rapped the corners of his card onto the now glaring terminal as if there was some secret portal within the machine that would spontaneously reload your wallet.
He glanced up at the barista who I’m sure by now wanted to check her teeth to make sure they were still attached in a human mouth. It probably felt like he had swiped his card enough times to grow his own weed plant out back. He whipped his card closer to the chip reader, carelessly完成了付款操作 and because we can call it that muttered some professor about days of yore before slumping onto the bar stool at his ‘artisan’ station to wait for his ‘artisan’ beverage.
If I hadn’t learned my lesson earlier that week at my local grocery store I would’ve felt superior than others. Sure there were some other patrons waiting in line after me who were equally as annoyed but were now spectators at my embarrassing self-check-out debut. If there’s one thing I love about contact-less payments is how they refuse to work.
You will go to one store, plug it in, it works perfectly. Walk into the next retailer and it shall deny you from touching its surface at all costs. Something so simple that should only take one tap feels impossible at times.
For entertainment purposes this card will work on the first go sometimes. There have been occasions where it worked on the second but lets me tell you when it doesn’t work my heart drops and every incomplete transaction feels like the hundredth attempt chanting at me telling me softly, sweetly:
“ TRY HARDER.”
Tap with more intention,swagger up that card like it owes you money. I’ve gotten some of the friendliest advice when it comes to ‘just tapping it.’
Asking strangers how to use technology you’ve had for years should never make you feel intelligent.
Let me remove you from the insanity that is contact-less payments. Everyone’s technique varies. Some like it top right, middle, who knows.
Trust me when I tell you asking a machine if it has a sweet spot will get you weird looks. I’ve seen people use every technique imaginable: the quick dip, the slow swoosh—let me just worship Gods—and the slow deep stab. The other day I saw someone actually lean into their credit card.
As if performing oral sex on a debt collector’s wallet would make it work. Now let me explain what makes this better than foreplay is the fact people continue to whisper sweet nothings to their cards as they attempt to perform this transaction. You’re left thinking SHOULD IT WORK THIS TIME!?
! Or do I have to face the dreaded Walk of shame, the pathetic walk from tapping demise to chip reading salvation while all the stores between judge you? Welcome to contact-less payments.
Yeah shame cause to assume everyone can see right through you. You may as well be swinging around a sign that reads “FAILED!” Don’t feel too bad though, fail to make contact-less work or even your chip and you’re forced to break out the ancient cash, assuming you even have cash these days. Millennials weren’t built with outdated dollar bills anymore, mind you Gen Z is nothing if not picky.
I’ve watched too many old men fish out crumpled dollars as if that was
As if THAT was acceptable payment. Ok now we have to wait for the reciept. “Would you like a receipt?” asks the cashier as I walk away from my now completed ordeal.
What I WANT to say is please make the last three minutes of my life flash before my eyes, but instead I reply, “No thank you. ” because who needs proof you suffered for no reason? !
You suffered! You endured and made it through what felt like a humiliating technology round of fails just to insert your card and watch it swipe right through the machine. Success.
The whole process takes about two seconds if your contact-less transaction is accepted. Insert chip and await your receipt takes about 15-20 seconds. Failed transaction times are included it can take upwards of a half-minute just try and ‘tap it’ before your payment is accepted.
That’s over thirty seconds you can spend swiping your card manually, writing a cheque, or reading War and Peace. My neighbor Tom refuses to get contact-less on his cards. “It’s too complex.” he says.
Tom is what you’d call a technophobe and only owns a flip-phone. I once thought he was silly because, well I owned a ‘smart’ phone but recently realized I’m the idiot who’s tried to spearhead myself into these types of technological purgatories. Standing at a terminal faced with the inability to get my card to tap only to have strangers watch me rant in woeful defeat.
I was parking my car last month when I witnessed peak craziness. The payment pad flaunted a contact-less symbol proudly for all drivers to see. Excited to be apart of this new generation of seamless technology, I bravely held my card against the marker.
Again, no beep. Not only did I not get beep but I was met with deafening silence. frantically I went to tap the surface again with more authority in hopes the machine would give in and my civilized gestures would end this meaningless battle.
Miss. I failed at tapping. After what felt like the 900th time I noticed a small handwritten note that read:” Contact-less not available at this time.
Please insert card.”
The machine hadn’t changed in years if my fellow tap fighters came here like me with high hopes of a simple tap we’ve been chucking our cards at this antiquated mode of technology every day refusing to work. I don’t want it to sound bad I promise, when it works contact-less payment is awesome. Don’t get me wrong when everything goes well its really quite spectacular, but imagine how you feel when you’ve successfully connected with your card only to be engulfed in social situations that make you want to panic.
The mortification you feel when your entire life can be placed on standing in front of a machine that requires a toddler’s oversight. Humiliating. Every time I try to tap my card and it doesn’t work another ounce of my soul leaves my body.
One day these machines are going to challenge our faith of how impatiently obedient we’ve become. We live in such a time sensitive world yet are okay as long as we are graced with the ‘benefits’ of technology, what happens when we don’t get to tap takes a toll on you mentally. We want to scream free bird style out of frustration, disbelief, and pure astonishment yet all we do is slap in our cards like thieves stealing two precious seconds from our life.
Seconds that we literally waste (heck I double check my phone about 300 times) in the waiting game of our transaction to process before the cashier happily prints our receipt. Next time your tapping away at your doom device and you find yourself in contact-less purgatory, remember you aren’t alone. Scan the room.
Try to make eye contact with strangers going through the same ordeal as you and tilt your head in unison.
We are all in this together people getting screwed over by the countless transactions society has fed us. Here’s a tip if you suck at tapping just tap one more time.
If you still don’t work try the dreaded chip reader or you know … PAY INSIDE!!! ! Cash is still valid and if your feeling fancy I hear you can pay with chicken in some upscale neighborhoods.
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